The Descent Part 1

I didn't plan to have a child until at least my late 20s. I took what is considered a very efective percaution against pregnancy, but I was one of the .1% for whom it wasn't enough. I started to suspect I might be pregnant, but my periods were never regular no matter what, and I spotted a little on and off. The tightness and pain in my breasts came first followed by bone deep tiredness which I have never experienced since those first few months of gestation. I didn't want anyone I knew to find out until I was ready for them to know. So I went to the student clinic at the university where I was studying and asked a nurse to run the test. She came back 30 seconds after leaving with my sample and confirmed my suspicions. Once I knew that I was pregnant, my child was wanted. That's just the response I had.
Of course my fammily was shocked and concerned, but I made it clear that my boyfriend and I were raising this child no matter what, with or without support. I told anyone who was disrespectful or condescending that they were welcome to their opinions, but they would not be included in the child's life unless they treated me with respect. I had no morning sickness, but I was really tired a lot. I sought out a nurse midwife to care for me, and she was a perfect fit. She thought like me: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I wanted a birth that was free of unnecessary interferance, and I hate needles to the point of sweating and feeling lightheaded.
I was ready to accept labor in all it's exscrutiating glory. My by now husband was very excited about having an active role in the birth as bringer of nourishment and provider of massage and hot compresses. In the last month before delivery, I devoured copeous amounts of guacamole and Indian and Thai curry. Fried flour tacos and lemonberry slushes from Sonic rounded out my antenatal diet.
When labor hit, we just stayed home and chilled out. He put on Indian flute music and we curled up with some hot tea. When I started to really get uncomfortable, he cooked me some pasta with spinach and parmesan, and I paced around and started contorting myself into bizarre positions in order to relieve the pain in my lower back. I finally resorted to crawling around and hollowing my bakc when the pain got bad. My labor had started about 3 a.m. on Saturday morning, and by about 6 p.m., I was really starting to hurt. I was coping pretty well, but my husband was getting a little concerned. He called my mom, and a huge contraction hit when she picked up the phone. I started groaning, and she told the man to pack me into the car and head for the birthing center. I think I would have had the baby at home, because I really didn't want to leave the comfort of my own home. It didn't even occur to me that I needed to go some time. I arrived at about a quarter to 7, and got settled in. They wanted to put me in the bed on a monitor, but I must have looked crazed enough to where they brought out the handheld monitor and never asked again. The man was putting most of his weight on my lower back, but the pain kept getting worse. I remember sitting on a huge rubber ball and that helped with a lot of the pain. However my back hurt so badly that I got in a very warm bath. That helped, but there was no rest for the weary. My body took over, and I really started trying to push the baby out. I was still in the tub and with the acoustics of the bathroom I sounded like a cross between a constipated cow and the Hound of the Basquervilles. Somehow, I dragged myself out of the water and promptly squatted on the floor with another huge contraction. The midwife was not worried, and no one interfered with my desire to move around and do whatever I wanted. My husband just made sure I didn't fall over. I eventually ended up on the bed laying on my side. The baby was born at 10:15 p.m. The head started screaming even before the body was out. The midwife didn't allow any hands on me or my baby while it was coming out so I birthed my own child into my hands. I said "hi" to the baby and reached down to feel the sex. I was so exhausted and sleep deprived that when I touched the cord, I thought I had a boy. lol! I tried again, and discovered we had a girl. She howled nonstop until i started nursing her about 5 minutes after she was out. They didn't clean her off for a while. She smelled very sweet and had lots of fuzzy black hair.
Besides a rather nasty tear that required a lot of sewing, things went very well throughout the birth. But, I knew something was broken inside of me....