Falling

After my daughter's birth, i found infant care surprisingly easy. She was very mellow and sleepy, but she had a powerful suck and was easily latched onto the breast with little frustration from either of us. The policy for me was hands off for everyone until I learned how to do things for myself. I have always been comfortable with very physical hands-on tasks so I never had any fear of dropping her or not being able to keep her clean and dry. The same nurses who let me act instinctively during the birth were content to sit back and let me figure out how to accomplish basic mothering tasks. For this I was greatful, and I left the birthing center feeling confident even through the normal exhaustion that comes with a new baby.
The first week was hard since I had so many stitches that it made walking or sitting for long periods difficult. My husband was wonderful, and he kept me supplied with good food and a hot bath whenever I needed it for the pain. He stayed up with her when I absolutely needed sleep. We began to get on a good schedule by the time she was about a month old.
Then, I started feeling strangely. When I would put her down for a nap, I knew I should also take one but I began to feel paranoyed that she would wake without me getting any sleep. It didn't matter how zonked out she was. I began to imagine all sorts of ghastly things happening to her while I looked on helplessly: my baby being tossed off a building while I waited below for her to splatter on the cement, that tiny body somehow ending up in the middle of the highway waiting to be run over, my helpless infant put in a bathtub that was slowly filling with water and me unable to retrieve her. When I would nurse her the milk and the tears and the sweat would pour from me until i was sure I would dry up and die. One day my husband found me in such a state and asked me what was wrong. I couldn't voice the fear and despair I was experiencing so I just shook my head. He walked out of the room, and that is when the doors began to slam inside me.